I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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