my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Is it penis luge time yet?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
