So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
That was before I lit my hair on fire
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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