I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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