Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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