mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
