made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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