The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
