4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
