i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
