I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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