come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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