I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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