You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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