ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
