Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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