Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
