I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
