Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I smell stomach acid.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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