I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
