That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
