I CAN MOONWALK!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
