I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
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They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
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Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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