please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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