i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
