Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
