drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
