I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
