I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
