he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
