Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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