this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
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Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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