Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
