this beer tastes like vomit already
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
