Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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