I could have mohawked her pubes.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
