No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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