Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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