what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
