i need an iv and a liver transplant
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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