Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
