I skipped work to stalk him.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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