She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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