if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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