I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
