Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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