he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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