He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Less talking, more tequila
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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