I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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