I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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