He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
