They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
