i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
