i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
