my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
