I skipped work to stalk him.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
