im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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