what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
