Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
